The three winning stories from the LOST board fanfiction contest.
1ST PLACE - "Story" by Sawyer90:
"Story" by Sawyer90:
Chapter 1
As a new day began on the island, it’s only inhabitants, Daniel Cribb and Andrew Kropp, were sat on the beach preparing breakfast.
“Do you ever think that we’re just characters in some internet fan-fiction?” asked Cribb.“No way. There’s a perfectly good reason for us just finding ourselves living on this island, bickering with each other all day every day” replied Kropp.
Cribb mulled this over for a few seconds. His theory on their reason for existing had just been shot down by the moron who was now admiring his reflection in the sea. He supposed now was as good a time as any to tell Kropp his idea.
“I think I should be leader of this island. I have been posting regularly for years and it’s time I was given some recognition for it.”
“But there’s just the two of us. What’s the point?”
“I just feel that…”
“BUMP!”
“Ok…I just feel that I can improve our quality of life on this island if I take the lead.”
“I think I’d rather take my chances living in the ocean than follow you!”
Cribb’s patience had just about run out:“There’s always one isn’t there? One total imbecile who thinks he knows better!”
“Yeah, but he’s not usually in charge!”
Cribb couldn’t take it any longer. Another day on this island would drive him insane. He needed to get rid of this idiot once and for all. And if Kropp fancied his chances in the ocean so much, then that’s where he’s going.
“Hey Kropp, I saw a ship earlier. It was quite far out, but you might be able to swim to it. It might have females on it!”
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?! Ok, farewell Cribb! Nice knowing you!”
Kropp ran off into the jungle. This was the most excited Cribb had ever seen him. There was no ship of course, but now Kropp would either drown or be eaten by a shark. Cribb wished he’d thought of this a long time ago. No more pizza crust littering the beach. No more finding Polaroid’s of Kropp nailed to trees with “Rate plz!” scrawled underneath. This was the happiest Daniel Cribb had ever been. He decided to retire to the tree house they’d been sharing since the dawn of time.
Chapter 2
Kropp ran towards the sea. He couldn’t see any ship, but he decided the smartest thing to do would be to swim quite far out and look around. He removed his shirt, knowing this would score big points with any females he encountered, and then jumped into the sea. As he swam frantically towards absolutely nothing, he couldn’t stop thinking about the ship Cribb had told him about. Finally he could get some more opinions on his photographs. Cribb had never shown any real enthusiasm when it came to rating photos. Kropp was almost a mile out now, and there was still no sign of any ship. He knew he had to keep looking. The thought of going back to the island to spend the rest of his life with Daniel Cribb was just too depressing. He decided that the ship had to show up eventually, and that he would just float around until it did.
Chapter 3
Meanwhile, Daniel Cribb was sitting in their tree house wondering if he’d done the right thing. Andrew Kropp was annoying and creepy, but he was the only company Cribb had. And now he was probably dead.“I’m so incredibly lonely” sighed Cribb.
It was getting darker. Cribb looked over at Andrew Kropp’s empty bed and the guilt he was feeling seemed to multiply. He decided that he would need to destroy Kropp’s possessions first thing in the morning, or risk driving himself crazy. Why had he done such a terrible thing? He couldn’t remember, but he knew it was in his head somewhere. Cribb drifted off into an uneasy sleep.
Next thing he knew, he was trapped at the bottom of a well. He was freezing cold, and there was barely any room to move. Only a small amount of light was getting in.“Help me!” he cried, even though he knew no one would be around to help. The well was far too deep to climb out of, and Cribb was certain he would die down here. Then he heard a familiar voice.
“Why are you down this well?”Andrew Kropp had returned to save him! The relief was tremendous.
“Andrew, buddy, could you help me out here? Im not sure how I got down here.” Cribb replied.“But why are you down here?”
“I just told you, I don’t know!”
“There was no ship, I still haven’t met any girls. You lied to me!”
“Im sorry, I must have imagined it. Please get me out of here.”
“You should think about what you’ve done!”
“I will be thinking it. Boy, will I be thinking it. Just please help me, I don’t want to die!”
“I didn’t want to die either, but it’s too late for that!”Cribb’s blood ran cold. He heard heavy breathing; he looked behind him and saw Andrew Kropp. His flesh was rotten, he was dripping wet from head to toe, and his eyes were missing.
Chapter 4
Cribb awoke sharply. That was the second most disturbing dream he had ever had. It certainly couldn’t compete with the dream about him kissing Andrew Kropp, but it had still troubled him. He was breathing heavily and a cold sweat had come over him.He wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep, but it was still dark. He didn’t think he would sleep again that night, so he decided to take a walk along the shore. Maybe Kropp had been washed up. If he could give him a decent burial, maybe that would ease his conscience.He climbed out of the treehouse that now belonged solely to him, and set off. His heart was still pounding from the nightmare. He wasn’t sure why he would find himself in a well. There was no well on the island. What is it? Who has it? And what is it? These questions plagued Cribb as walked right around the island. By the time he got back to his treehouse, it was morning. He decided sausage would be good for breakfast, even if Kropp had hidden his stash of gay porn. Cribb wasn’t sure why those two things complimented each other so well.He climbed the ladder to the treehouse, entered the doorway and froze. A shirtless Andrew Kropp was lying on his bed, grinning at him. And he was very much alive.
Chapter 5
“Hi Daniel, did you miss me?”Cribb couldn’t speak. He just stared as Kropp sat up, his podgy body jiggling. He got up and walked towards the petrified Cribb.
“I couldn’t find any ship. I was looking for hours. It was so cold out there, but I didn’t want to give up. I thought I was done for when a shark approached me, but for some reason it swam off once it got within 10 feet of me.”
Cribb was beginning to snap out of it.
“So eventually I decided that the ship must have gone away. Or sunk. That’s when I swam back here.”
Cribb realised that this idiot still believed there was a ship, and had no idea it was a trick to try and kill him. Everything might work out ok after all. If you consider living on an island with an overweight attention-seeker as ok.
“Im glad you’re ok, Andrew!” Cribb said, as he embraced his drenched friend.
“Get off of me, you big gay!”Kropp shoved him back and then dusted himself off as if he’d just had dirt thrown on him.
“I’m just really happy to see you! I was worried. Tell you what, why don’t we go through your photo album, and I’ll rate every single picture!”
Kropp’s face lit up. It was all he had ever wanted in life, besides women. This would be the best day ever.
“Ok, that sounds like fun! Maybe you could even write nice comments at the bottom? And make a top ten favourite photos section? And…”
“Well, go get it then!”Cribb was just happy to have a clear conscience, and his friend back safe.
“You’ll need to help me carry it. It’s really heavy.”Cribb sighed, and all his previous enthusiasm evaporated. What had he let himself in for?
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Friday, 12 June 2009
Geronimo Jacksons Five sent me the following...
"You're a pathetic human being, Execute"
When I told him I was not Execute, and why he thought so, he responded:
"Execute, was the only person who posted fake replies about me. And if you keep it up I'm going to sue you for defamation of character. Now make that into a new meme."
So I did.
Even though I have never posted "fake replies" about him, and everything I attributed to him was true, I'm still pretty sure he will go through with his threat. He is a man of his world, after all.
When I told him I was not Execute, and why he thought so, he responded:
"Execute, was the only person who posted fake replies about me. And if you keep it up I'm going to sue you for defamation of character. Now make that into a new meme."
So I did.
Even though I have never posted "fake replies" about him, and everything I attributed to him was true, I'm still pretty sure he will go through with his threat. He is a man of his world, after all.
Friday, 5 June 2009
The Day The LOST Board Died, by JS Got Lost
To the tune of "American Pie"
A long, long time ago...I can still remember
How that Lost Board used to make me smile.
And I would always take the chance
To watch Sage and not_de_way's romance
And, maybe they'd be happy for a while.
But 4/23 made me shiver
With spoiler trolls so lily-livered.
Shotgun blasts me to the floor;
I can't watch this anymore.
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about who might have died,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the Lost Board died.
So bye-bye to Aquarian Guy
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai.
And the good old boys,
still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die."
Did you write the Book of Love
And do you have faith in Cribb above
If ZeBlackBibleSalesman says so?
Ah, do you believe in rock and roll?
Can Daniel save your mortal soul
And can he teach you where to put a dildo?
Well I know that you're in love with Jim
Cause I saw you buy T-shirts from him.
The phrase across your boobs,
Well it really confused the n00bs.
Oh, but then one day we ran out of luck
The IMDb board began to suck
We moved to a place where we could say "fuck"
The day the Lost Board died
I started singin'"Bye-bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai."
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singin' "this'll be the day that I die.
This'll be the day that I die."
Now for ten days we've been on our own,
Cuing our own gay ass trombone
But that's not how it used to be,
When the Jester decided to be mean
And spoil The Variable's final scene
A scream was heard from you and me
Oh and while the Jester dicked around
Reporting Monkey beat us down,
Our first hiding place upturned,
No, we never could returnA
nd while Vozzek wrote a book on the "box"
And Dark just sneered like Dr. Cox,
Woe to the Walter Eagles and Eccohawks
The day the Lost Board died.
We were singing,"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"
Helter skelter, in a late spring swelter
We moved to our own fallout shelter
"fifty people vanished into thin air",
And there we were all amassed
Told the trolls to kiss our ass
With Dark on the sidelines in a wheelchair
Now in the space of one sweet afternoon
We were back to writing a meme for Boone
L-O-L, thanks in advance,
Oh, but I wonder, does it make sense?
Cause the spoiler trolls tried to take our field
Our Barracks brethren refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the Lost Board died?
We started singing,"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die"
Oh and there we were all in our new place
Telling all the trolls "your FACE!"
We're happy we could start again,
So come on Chack Be Nimble, Chack Be Quick!
Chack shoulda stayed down, the prick
Cause jealousy's the spoilers' only friend
Oh, and as I watched IMDb's front page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
But no reason there to dwell,
My friends had bid farewell
And as the flames were traded through the night
The Barracks called like a beacon light
I saw Salesman laughing with delight
The day the Lost Board died
He was singing,"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die"
I met up with some Lost Board dudes
And I asked them for some happy news
They just smiled and turned away,
I went down to the scene of war
Where we'd had OT fun just days before,
But there was nobody left to come and play
And in the threads, the lights were out
No one to help eachother out
Audacity and horrible eyes,
Quoting things and silly/rude/ies,
And the board members I admire most
(Like I'd reveal that in this post!)
They're Barracks bound, they've raised a toast,
The day the Lost Board died
And they were singing,
"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die
"They were singing,
"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Singing "this'll be the day that I die"
A long, long time ago...I can still remember
How that Lost Board used to make me smile.
And I would always take the chance
To watch Sage and not_de_way's romance
And, maybe they'd be happy for a while.
But 4/23 made me shiver
With spoiler trolls so lily-livered.
Shotgun blasts me to the floor;
I can't watch this anymore.
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about who might have died,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the Lost Board died.
So bye-bye to Aquarian Guy
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai.
And the good old boys,
still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die."
Did you write the Book of Love
And do you have faith in Cribb above
If ZeBlackBibleSalesman says so?
Ah, do you believe in rock and roll?
Can Daniel save your mortal soul
And can he teach you where to put a dildo?
Well I know that you're in love with Jim
Cause I saw you buy T-shirts from him.
The phrase across your boobs,
Well it really confused the n00bs.
Oh, but then one day we ran out of luck
The IMDb board began to suck
We moved to a place where we could say "fuck"
The day the Lost Board died
I started singin'"Bye-bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai."
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singin' "this'll be the day that I die.
This'll be the day that I die."
Now for ten days we've been on our own,
Cuing our own gay ass trombone
But that's not how it used to be,
When the Jester decided to be mean
And spoil The Variable's final scene
A scream was heard from you and me
Oh and while the Jester dicked around
Reporting Monkey beat us down,
Our first hiding place upturned,
No, we never could returnA
nd while Vozzek wrote a book on the "box"
And Dark just sneered like Dr. Cox,
Woe to the Walter Eagles and Eccohawks
The day the Lost Board died.
We were singing,"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"
Helter skelter, in a late spring swelter
We moved to our own fallout shelter
"fifty people vanished into thin air",
And there we were all amassed
Told the trolls to kiss our ass
With Dark on the sidelines in a wheelchair
Now in the space of one sweet afternoon
We were back to writing a meme for Boone
L-O-L, thanks in advance,
Oh, but I wonder, does it make sense?
Cause the spoiler trolls tried to take our field
Our Barracks brethren refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the Lost Board died?
We started singing,"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die"
Oh and there we were all in our new place
Telling all the trolls "your FACE!"
We're happy we could start again,
So come on Chack Be Nimble, Chack Be Quick!
Chack shoulda stayed down, the prick
Cause jealousy's the spoilers' only friend
Oh, and as I watched IMDb's front page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
But no reason there to dwell,
My friends had bid farewell
And as the flames were traded through the night
The Barracks called like a beacon light
I saw Salesman laughing with delight
The day the Lost Board died
He was singing,"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die"
I met up with some Lost Board dudes
And I asked them for some happy news
They just smiled and turned away,
I went down to the scene of war
Where we'd had OT fun just days before,
But there was nobody left to come and play
And in the threads, the lights were out
No one to help eachother out
Audacity and horrible eyes,
Quoting things and silly/rude/ies,
And the board members I admire most
(Like I'd reveal that in this post!)
They're Barracks bound, they've raised a toast,
The day the Lost Board died
And they were singing,
"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Were singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die
"They were singing,
"Bye bye to Aquarian Guy,
Take it easy stevefosleazy,
hugs to omg-hai"
And the good old boys, still on their 4/20 high
Singing "this'll be the day that I die"
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Monster??? SPOILERS by BonJ0vi813
Newbies often come to the board to be bombarded with sarcastic and joke answers. Yet none were as memorable as the time Bonj0vi813 graced our shores. It provided a comedy platform for many members, and cruel it may be, we laughed at his frustration. His bewildered reaction to the reception he got became the board's motto, and was quoted endlessly by the other members , along with every other line he wrote - several users could recite his posts off by heart. One of the funniest parts of the thread is when he is given the correct answer but dismisses it. It is the second longest-running thread in the LOST board's history, surviving from 15th September 2008 to 27th April 2009. As Bish-Fiscuit said : "It was the tale of one man's failure to triumph over adversity. We will never forget you, BonJ0vi813. Your message of love and tolerance has inspired us all." Most of the thread composed of quotes being repeated again and again, but I bring you just the highlights. Despite his fame, Bonj0vi813 is yet to return to the LOST board due to the important demands of his job, but we live in hope.
BONJ0VI813: ive never watched lost till today so bare with me please im a rookie....im not gonna be able to watch the next 3 episodes from season 1 on sci-fi...so can someone tell me please what this scary monster thing that killed the pilot and chases them is?
BISH-FISCUIT: Oh, you're going to be so disappointed.
BONJOVI813: i figured as much..so wut is it?
DRFEELGOODHITOFTHESUMMER: Its Iron Man
BONJOVI813: is it the dog?
BISH-FISCUIT: I like to think so.
PERCEHONSON: It's Bon Jovi in a monks robe. He kills people with a waterhose and a giant pair of scissors.
CHAIRMAN LMAO: Don't listen to any of them, they are lying. It is a shapeshifter, exactly like the one in Terminator 2. There is an inside joke on the board that it is a cloud of black smoke, ignore any fool who says that.
BONJOVI813: why are u all like this??? ive posted on many boards on imdb and ive never had responses like this....we're here to help eachother out
DRFEELGOODHITOFTHESUMMER: You've come to a bad place BonJovi..
CHAIRMAN LMAO: I gave you a serious answer you ungrateful man. It is a shapeshifter, end of story. Therefore, it can become anything. If I was lying I would tell you some crap about a 500 year old invisible guy in a cabin that runs the island.
BISH-FISCUIT: I really like this quote. This should be our motto". The Lost Board: why are u all like this??? we're here to help eachother out
DRFEELGOODHITOFTHESUMMER: Would make a great Sig
NYCUB: I agree Bish. I will add it to my repertoire of non-sequiturs, along with Shirtless Sawyer, It makes sense, I collect soil samples and I was just on a ferris wheel.
ASUKA-ON-A-STICK (JAYTRIX): It's a puff of black smoke...I sht you not. Black. Smoke.
BONJOVI813: wutever thanks for nothing.
BISH-FISCUIT: LOL! Yeah, how dare you tell him that the monster is made up of black smoke. That's just absurd.
DANCEBATMANDANCE: Black smoke? Wtf. What a lie. It's an actual monster. Some sort of large, dinosaur-like creature.
DRUNKEN BEARDED JACK: Why is spoilers in the title of the thread? If you do not know what the smoke monster is how can you spoil us?
BONJOVI813: spoilers is there because some people like me who havent seen lost and want to may not wanna kno wut it is
DANCEBATMANDANCE: If you want to know, why not just watch the show? It's not like you need to wait for the episodes. There's DVDs, reruns, and online episodes.
BONJOVI813: time.....i lack it...i have a demanding important job
MISTER EFF: Really? 'Cause you kinda sound like a twelve year old.
THE TOKER: Of course he does, he's f*%£$ng Iron Man!!
RUFIO90210: yeah, bon jovi has to go back on tour. he doesnt have time to wait and find out what the baloney monster is.
EBOYKEN: If only he was named bonj0vi815 instead of 813, then he could be kinda cool
BONJOVI813: wow it really is black smoke thanks Asuka-on-a-stick
ECCOHAWK: why has no one told him it was a pissed off giraffe yet!?!
STOPYFUEH: Good point. I guess we're not as sharp as you, Hawkman!
GIRAFFE MONSTER: But I’m not pissed.
ECCOHAWK: in all seriousness, bon jovi, the monster is called richard
JAIME222: Dude, you just gotta keep watching, there is so much more to see. This show is addicting so beware. Don't bother replying to the dorks who are mean on message boards...behind a computer, a lot of pathetic losers get god-complexes and become self-righteous because they are safely tucked away in their mother's basement with their cat on their lap and cheeto stained Styx T-shirts.
MIKHAILS EYEPATCH: I resent that! I wear REM T-shirts
SUN KWON: in all seriousness, the monster is a huge cluster of those small flies/bees that john coffey would spew out in the green mile. somehow they all migrated to the island. i think it has something to do with the warm weather...
BATMITE111: It look to me like this poster had a relevant question and you all just turned on him like a pack of huonds. disgusted
KUSH93: Wutever thanks for nothing
MISSMORTICIA: Why thank you, humourless troll! Somehow, I TOTALLY missed this thread until now, and I had NO idea where "why are u all like this?" came from!
BATMITE111: Nobody answere his question. Why ARE you all like this to other posters who just want to discus lost?
MISSMORTICIA: Kicks?
BATMITE111: Yes you did kick this poor poster when he was down. Saddist
TARHEELS2002: What the hell is a "saddist"?
HOWSITFEELSLIKE: You know I almost forgot why I actually love this board and then I seen this thread and I knew you regular guys were gonna just tease the hell out this poor kid. it's hilarious.
BONJ0VI813: ive never watched lost till today so bare with me please im a rookie....im not gonna be able to watch the next 3 episodes from season 1 on sci-fi...so can someone tell me please what this scary monster thing that killed the pilot and chases them is?
BISH-FISCUIT: Oh, you're going to be so disappointed.
BONJOVI813: i figured as much..so wut is it?
DRFEELGOODHITOFTHESUMMER: Its Iron Man
BONJOVI813: is it the dog?
BISH-FISCUIT: I like to think so.
PERCEHONSON: It's Bon Jovi in a monks robe. He kills people with a waterhose and a giant pair of scissors.
CHAIRMAN LMAO: Don't listen to any of them, they are lying. It is a shapeshifter, exactly like the one in Terminator 2. There is an inside joke on the board that it is a cloud of black smoke, ignore any fool who says that.
BONJOVI813: why are u all like this??? ive posted on many boards on imdb and ive never had responses like this....we're here to help eachother out
DRFEELGOODHITOFTHESUMMER: You've come to a bad place BonJovi..
CHAIRMAN LMAO: I gave you a serious answer you ungrateful man. It is a shapeshifter, end of story. Therefore, it can become anything. If I was lying I would tell you some crap about a 500 year old invisible guy in a cabin that runs the island.
BISH-FISCUIT: I really like this quote. This should be our motto". The Lost Board: why are u all like this??? we're here to help eachother out
DRFEELGOODHITOFTHESUMMER: Would make a great Sig
NYCUB: I agree Bish. I will add it to my repertoire of non-sequiturs, along with Shirtless Sawyer, It makes sense, I collect soil samples and I was just on a ferris wheel.
ASUKA-ON-A-STICK (JAYTRIX): It's a puff of black smoke...I sht you not. Black. Smoke.
BONJOVI813: wutever thanks for nothing.
BISH-FISCUIT: LOL! Yeah, how dare you tell him that the monster is made up of black smoke. That's just absurd.
DANCEBATMANDANCE: Black smoke? Wtf. What a lie. It's an actual monster. Some sort of large, dinosaur-like creature.
DRUNKEN BEARDED JACK: Why is spoilers in the title of the thread? If you do not know what the smoke monster is how can you spoil us?
BONJOVI813: spoilers is there because some people like me who havent seen lost and want to may not wanna kno wut it is
DANCEBATMANDANCE: If you want to know, why not just watch the show? It's not like you need to wait for the episodes. There's DVDs, reruns, and online episodes.
BONJOVI813: time.....i lack it...i have a demanding important job
MISTER EFF: Really? 'Cause you kinda sound like a twelve year old.
THE TOKER: Of course he does, he's f*%£$ng Iron Man!!
RUFIO90210: yeah, bon jovi has to go back on tour. he doesnt have time to wait and find out what the baloney monster is.
EBOYKEN: If only he was named bonj0vi815 instead of 813, then he could be kinda cool
BONJOVI813: wow it really is black smoke thanks Asuka-on-a-stick
ECCOHAWK: why has no one told him it was a pissed off giraffe yet!?!
STOPYFUEH: Good point. I guess we're not as sharp as you, Hawkman!
GIRAFFE MONSTER: But I’m not pissed.
ECCOHAWK: in all seriousness, bon jovi, the monster is called richard
JAIME222: Dude, you just gotta keep watching, there is so much more to see. This show is addicting so beware. Don't bother replying to the dorks who are mean on message boards...behind a computer, a lot of pathetic losers get god-complexes and become self-righteous because they are safely tucked away in their mother's basement with their cat on their lap and cheeto stained Styx T-shirts.
MIKHAILS EYEPATCH: I resent that! I wear REM T-shirts
SUN KWON: in all seriousness, the monster is a huge cluster of those small flies/bees that john coffey would spew out in the green mile. somehow they all migrated to the island. i think it has something to do with the warm weather...
BATMITE111: It look to me like this poster had a relevant question and you all just turned on him like a pack of huonds. disgusted
KUSH93: Wutever thanks for nothing
MISSMORTICIA: Why thank you, humourless troll! Somehow, I TOTALLY missed this thread until now, and I had NO idea where "why are u all like this?" came from!
BATMITE111: Nobody answere his question. Why ARE you all like this to other posters who just want to discus lost?
MISSMORTICIA: Kicks?
BATMITE111: Yes you did kick this poor poster when he was down. Saddist
TARHEELS2002: What the hell is a "saddist"?
HOWSITFEELSLIKE: You know I almost forgot why I actually love this board and then I seen this thread and I knew you regular guys were gonna just tease the hell out this poor kid. it's hilarious.
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Should Sarah Palin be allowed to eat where you eat? by Percehonson
Surreal randomness at it's best, with Perce and Rose both on top form. People tried to make these style threads a regular thing for a while, but they weren't as successful because they couldn't match the spontaneity of this one.
PERCEHONSON: I don't think she should be allowed. She should die in a fire and stay out of everyones affairs if you ask me. She can't keep her eyes to herself. KEEP HER OUT OF OUR RESTAURANTS!!!! We do not need a nosy bitch telling us how to eat! This is America, it's not Alaska. We pay for food, I should be able to do with it as I please. Palin is worse than the old people. Go back to Alaska bitch.
If you go out to eat and decide to throw a roll at one of your friends heads Sarah Palin will have the manager come to her table and she will try to get him to kick you out. She needs to be banned from places so she can't cause drama.
ROSE BEAVER: I don't like it when Sarah Palin comes up behind me in McDonalds and pinches one of my fries from over my shoulder. If she just asked if she could take one I would probably tell her to go right ahead... but it's just her assumption that I'm gonna be cool with it that bugs me. Because it's not just a one off thing, she does it to me pretty much every time I'm in there. What makes What makes it worse is that she's generally wearing just her underwear when she does it and has lipstick smeared all over her face.
PERCEHONSON: That's *beep* up. It's that kind of thing that makes her so repulsive. Man, I can't stand it when she orders like ten pizzas and charges them to the state of Alaska and then ends up throwing out like eight of them. It's such a waste of taxpayers dollars.
ROSE BEAVER: I don't like it when she marches into the kitchen and starts telling the McDonalds staff what to do. "Flip those burgers higher" and "Put your hands in boiling fat" she screams. Pffffft - like she has any experience running a McDonalds.
PERCEHONSON: I remember one time she made her kids clean up McDonalds. She tricked them into thinking it was fun by saying the toilet bowl cakes were like hockey pucks and they got to slapshot them into the urinals. The staff really appreciated it until she leaned over the counter and took two hundred dollars out the cash register.
ROSE BEAVER: Her behaviour is even more bizarre in Burger King. She stands for hours staring at the flames on the grill, just laughing her ass off. And when it comes to closing time, she insists all the cardboard crowns are burnt on the grill because "the naughty boys and girls of tomorrow don't deserve them".
PERCEHONSON: That "children are our downfall" thing she talks about sometimes is really creepy. I don't think she should be allowed to purchase gasoline within six miles of a school.
ROSE BEAVER: I heard she once disguised herself as a school to spy on children. Nobody was fooled though because she couldn't keep a straight face whilst in the guise.
MISTERLOPAN: Whenever Sarah Palin comes over to my house uninvited and drunk on weeknights, she never wipes her feet and always tracks moose blood on the carpet. Then she sticks her nosy nose in my business, telling me that my houseplants need more water, and I really should have them in direct sunlight. I tell her that they are lowlight plants and they look better in this corner anyway, but she says that Alaska is full of plants and they all live in trees so just trust her.
I almost got into an accident on the highway once because Sarah Palin was throwing dead squirrels from an overpass into oncoming traffic. She said the squirrels needed a lift back up to Alaska, where they would be much happier.
PERCEHONSON: I remember that too. I was one of the unfortunate ones that day. I had just got done grocery shopping and was heading down the highway when something hit my windshield and caused me to lose control of my car. I ran off the road and hit a tree. I was knocked out and when I woke up Sarah Palin was in my backseat doing CPR on the loaf of bread I had just purchased.
THE TOKER: The Toker wonders why you couldn't find a patrolman to help at the scene of your accident? Has she had them all fired?
PERCEHONSON: They were too busy jumping in front of semi trucks so that the law making it illegal not to get over for stopped emergency and law enforcement vehicles would be enacted.
MISTERLOPAN: Sarah Palin and I used to work at the county park together. After picking up the morning trash (or as Sarah Palin would do, simply dump it into the river) we would go get some breakfast sandwiches at a nearby deli. She would buy a styrofoam cup of macaroni and cheese and then we'd drive to the end of the dock, where she would throw all the macaroni on the ground and wait for the seagulls to and eat it. Hiding behind the truck, she would time it so as the gulls were flying away, she would run up from behind and try to jump and grab onto one of the birds legs and fly to Europe. Mostly she just ended up in the river though. We kept a change of clothes in the glove compartment for her.
ROSE BEAVER: Sarah Palin once put me under house arrest for 6 weeks because I refused to get down on one knee and kiss her diamond ring. She then disguised herself as a scarecrow and stood in my garden for 6 weeks to ensure that I didn't leave my home. She claims that she it wasn't her, but once the 6 weeks were up the scarecrow disappeared and left a trail of muddy footprints leading to her castle.
MISTERLOPAN: One thing I'll never understand is why she had the entire west wing of that castle constructed out of Rice Krispies squares. It will only attract the most desperate variety of vagrants.
CAUGHT IN A NET: desperate vagrants and small children who become lost in the forest. perhaps she is luring them intentionally with her west wing of sweets so that she can cook them and feast on their flesh!
ROSE BEAVER: Sarah Palin once attempted to fund the assassination of Snap and Crackle because she claimed "Pop was the only one who made any sort of sense".
PERCEHONSON: Pop, huh? That sounds like the kind of 1950's throwback stuff Sarah likes. I remember I was at a car show and Sarah showed up in a beautiful classic Chevy Nomad. There was a fancy Persian rug rolled up in the backseat and it kept making muffled noises and shaking. She tried to say the carpet was magic but everyone knew she had her husband in there again.
PERCEHONSON: I don't think she should be allowed. She should die in a fire and stay out of everyones affairs if you ask me. She can't keep her eyes to herself. KEEP HER OUT OF OUR RESTAURANTS!!!! We do not need a nosy bitch telling us how to eat! This is America, it's not Alaska. We pay for food, I should be able to do with it as I please. Palin is worse than the old people. Go back to Alaska bitch.
If you go out to eat and decide to throw a roll at one of your friends heads Sarah Palin will have the manager come to her table and she will try to get him to kick you out. She needs to be banned from places so she can't cause drama.
ROSE BEAVER: I don't like it when Sarah Palin comes up behind me in McDonalds and pinches one of my fries from over my shoulder. If she just asked if she could take one I would probably tell her to go right ahead... but it's just her assumption that I'm gonna be cool with it that bugs me. Because it's not just a one off thing, she does it to me pretty much every time I'm in there. What makes What makes it worse is that she's generally wearing just her underwear when she does it and has lipstick smeared all over her face.
PERCEHONSON: That's *beep* up. It's that kind of thing that makes her so repulsive. Man, I can't stand it when she orders like ten pizzas and charges them to the state of Alaska and then ends up throwing out like eight of them. It's such a waste of taxpayers dollars.
ROSE BEAVER: I don't like it when she marches into the kitchen and starts telling the McDonalds staff what to do. "Flip those burgers higher" and "Put your hands in boiling fat" she screams. Pffffft - like she has any experience running a McDonalds.
PERCEHONSON: I remember one time she made her kids clean up McDonalds. She tricked them into thinking it was fun by saying the toilet bowl cakes were like hockey pucks and they got to slapshot them into the urinals. The staff really appreciated it until she leaned over the counter and took two hundred dollars out the cash register.
ROSE BEAVER: Her behaviour is even more bizarre in Burger King. She stands for hours staring at the flames on the grill, just laughing her ass off. And when it comes to closing time, she insists all the cardboard crowns are burnt on the grill because "the naughty boys and girls of tomorrow don't deserve them".
PERCEHONSON: That "children are our downfall" thing she talks about sometimes is really creepy. I don't think she should be allowed to purchase gasoline within six miles of a school.
ROSE BEAVER: I heard she once disguised herself as a school to spy on children. Nobody was fooled though because she couldn't keep a straight face whilst in the guise.
MISTERLOPAN: Whenever Sarah Palin comes over to my house uninvited and drunk on weeknights, she never wipes her feet and always tracks moose blood on the carpet. Then she sticks her nosy nose in my business, telling me that my houseplants need more water, and I really should have them in direct sunlight. I tell her that they are lowlight plants and they look better in this corner anyway, but she says that Alaska is full of plants and they all live in trees so just trust her.
I almost got into an accident on the highway once because Sarah Palin was throwing dead squirrels from an overpass into oncoming traffic. She said the squirrels needed a lift back up to Alaska, where they would be much happier.
PERCEHONSON: I remember that too. I was one of the unfortunate ones that day. I had just got done grocery shopping and was heading down the highway when something hit my windshield and caused me to lose control of my car. I ran off the road and hit a tree. I was knocked out and when I woke up Sarah Palin was in my backseat doing CPR on the loaf of bread I had just purchased.
THE TOKER: The Toker wonders why you couldn't find a patrolman to help at the scene of your accident? Has she had them all fired?
PERCEHONSON: They were too busy jumping in front of semi trucks so that the law making it illegal not to get over for stopped emergency and law enforcement vehicles would be enacted.
MISTERLOPAN: Sarah Palin and I used to work at the county park together. After picking up the morning trash (or as Sarah Palin would do, simply dump it into the river) we would go get some breakfast sandwiches at a nearby deli. She would buy a styrofoam cup of macaroni and cheese and then we'd drive to the end of the dock, where she would throw all the macaroni on the ground and wait for the seagulls to and eat it. Hiding behind the truck, she would time it so as the gulls were flying away, she would run up from behind and try to jump and grab onto one of the birds legs and fly to Europe. Mostly she just ended up in the river though. We kept a change of clothes in the glove compartment for her.
ROSE BEAVER: Sarah Palin once put me under house arrest for 6 weeks because I refused to get down on one knee and kiss her diamond ring. She then disguised herself as a scarecrow and stood in my garden for 6 weeks to ensure that I didn't leave my home. She claims that she it wasn't her, but once the 6 weeks were up the scarecrow disappeared and left a trail of muddy footprints leading to her castle.
MISTERLOPAN: One thing I'll never understand is why she had the entire west wing of that castle constructed out of Rice Krispies squares. It will only attract the most desperate variety of vagrants.
CAUGHT IN A NET: desperate vagrants and small children who become lost in the forest. perhaps she is luring them intentionally with her west wing of sweets so that she can cook them and feast on their flesh!
ROSE BEAVER: Sarah Palin once attempted to fund the assassination of Snap and Crackle because she claimed "Pop was the only one who made any sort of sense".
PERCEHONSON: Pop, huh? That sounds like the kind of 1950's throwback stuff Sarah likes. I remember I was at a car show and Sarah showed up in a beautiful classic Chevy Nomad. There was a fancy Persian rug rolled up in the backseat and it kept making muffled noises and shaking. She tried to say the carpet was magic but everyone knew she had her husband in there again.
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
"So you think LOST is like Stomp?"
Short, but funny. Watching Jaytrix insult people is always entertaining but Generic Screenname's wit makes this exchange twice as good. JS had part of this thread as her sig for a bit. Generic, if you're reading this - where can I buy that cool movie you're talking about?
GENERIC SCREEN NAME: I was watching Lost on Sci-Fi today. Or was it G4? It's all over the place now. Anyway, I was watching it, and it was the one where Boone had just died and Shannon told Sayid that Locke killed her brother and asked him to do something about it. And just before it went to commercial, I heard the gay-ass trombone! It was sort of a revelation for me, because somehow I'd never heard it and was never sure what the hell parliament funk yant was talking about. But I heard it. And it was fantastic.
JAYTRIX: In other words, you don't pay attention to the show.
GENERIC SCREENAME: Those are other words, but they're completely wrong words. So you're half right. Good for you. I always heard the weird noise that's like something dropping.
JAYTRIX: So the sounds of something dropping and a musical score sound similar? You must have crap taste in music.
GENERIC SCREENAME: Geez, someone's a cranky pants today. Isn't the muscial score of Stomp just people dropping stuff, or banging on things or whatever? It's percussion, that's all I'm saying.
JAYTRIX: So you think Lost is like Stomp?
GENERIC SCREENAME: Of course not. It's like Rent.
JAYTRIX: An island of fags and trannies singing about dying of AIDS?
GENERIC SCREENAME: Yeah. Aren't we watching the same show?
JAYTRIX: Apparently not. I hear over-dramatic music before commercial breaks and not stuff dropping.
GENERIC SCREENAME: That's swell. Here's a picture of a black kid giving the thumbs up. http://random-squeegee.com/blackkid.jpg It's from a movie about a kid who thinks he's talking to his dead father on his red toy telephone but it's really the ghost of an evil magician who's possessed a ventriloquist's dummy. Also, a fat kid gets chased by a giant cheeseburger. I sh!t you not.
GENERIC SCREEN NAME: I was watching Lost on Sci-Fi today. Or was it G4? It's all over the place now. Anyway, I was watching it, and it was the one where Boone had just died and Shannon told Sayid that Locke killed her brother and asked him to do something about it. And just before it went to commercial, I heard the gay-ass trombone! It was sort of a revelation for me, because somehow I'd never heard it and was never sure what the hell parliament funk yant was talking about. But I heard it. And it was fantastic.
JAYTRIX: In other words, you don't pay attention to the show.
GENERIC SCREENAME: Those are other words, but they're completely wrong words. So you're half right. Good for you. I always heard the weird noise that's like something dropping.
JAYTRIX: So the sounds of something dropping and a musical score sound similar? You must have crap taste in music.
GENERIC SCREENAME: Geez, someone's a cranky pants today. Isn't the muscial score of Stomp just people dropping stuff, or banging on things or whatever? It's percussion, that's all I'm saying.
JAYTRIX: So you think Lost is like Stomp?
GENERIC SCREENAME: Of course not. It's like Rent.
JAYTRIX: An island of fags and trannies singing about dying of AIDS?
GENERIC SCREENAME: Yeah. Aren't we watching the same show?
JAYTRIX: Apparently not. I hear over-dramatic music before commercial breaks and not stuff dropping.
GENERIC SCREENAME: That's swell. Here's a picture of a black kid giving the thumbs up. http://random-squeegee.com/blackkid.jpg It's from a movie about a kid who thinks he's talking to his dead father on his red toy telephone but it's really the ghost of an evil magician who's possessed a ventriloquist's dummy. Also, a fat kid gets chased by a giant cheeseburger. I sh!t you not.
Mario vs Whiteshadow
I love this thread because of Mario & WhiteShadow's hilarious bickering at eachother. Also, I love how it got immediatly sent off-topic and taken over by a feud between the two - Mario's opening line is still my favourite bit. Background on this thread is that Costly Rise Mario went by the name PenisLasagna for a while, which caused people to put him on ignore. WhiteShadow is also on a lot of people's ignore lists for spamming. I think of them as the comedy sidekicks of the LOST board, the Charlie and Hurley.
(Original post date: September 13 2008)
WHITESHADOW: how great is it? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4tFzuFGUOI there it is for those of you who haven't seen it.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: You have never offended me.
WHITESHADOW: Right, you've lost me there.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: just get off my back sometimes.
WHITESHADOW: yeah, sorry about that. But would you mind changing your name cos i dont wanna put you on ignore?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: i forgive you. sure.
WHITESHADOW: HUH? You changed your name?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: yeah, i don't want to offend anyone
WHITESHADOW: Do you want me to start a thread saying you've changed your name for those who have you on ignore?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: who has me on ignore?
WHITESHADOW: people who didn't like your name.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: do you remember specifically who?
WHITESHADOW: No i do not. Why the interrogation?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: i think more people have you on ignore than they do me.
WHITESHADOW: Well done, do you want a gold star? I was just asking if you wanted people to know you'd changed your name. Obviously not
COSTLY RISE MARIO: i'm just saying that it wouldn't make sense for you to tell people to take me off ignore, because everyone already has you on ignore, so they wouldn't be able to read it.
WHITESHADOW: Slow down there Sherlock. I'm sure that the person i saw said they had you on ignore (yes i cant remember who, i think it was someone like PeachesButterScotch?), doesn't have me on ignore. Hence the somewhat kind offer to post a thread.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: Oh okay, my dear Watson. true, you did offer to make a thread, but you also offered me a gold star, which I took to be like the black star in Mario Party 1. sorry to compare you to bowser, but you are sometimes.
WHITESHADOW: Ok can we stop arguing now? I don't have anything against you apart from you just jumped down my throat saying everyones got me on ignore when i was offering to tell people to take you off ignore. So can we put aside our differences and move on?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: if you want.
WHITESHADOW: well yes i would rather.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: would you rather... make amends with me or be an extra on "Lost"
WHITESHADOW: make amends with you. Being an extra on Lost would make it lose its magic for me.
(Original post date: September 13 2008)
WHITESHADOW: how great is it? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4tFzuFGUOI there it is for those of you who haven't seen it.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: You have never offended me.
WHITESHADOW: Right, you've lost me there.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: just get off my back sometimes.
WHITESHADOW: yeah, sorry about that. But would you mind changing your name cos i dont wanna put you on ignore?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: i forgive you. sure.
WHITESHADOW: HUH? You changed your name?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: yeah, i don't want to offend anyone
WHITESHADOW: Do you want me to start a thread saying you've changed your name for those who have you on ignore?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: who has me on ignore?
WHITESHADOW: people who didn't like your name.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: do you remember specifically who?
WHITESHADOW: No i do not. Why the interrogation?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: i think more people have you on ignore than they do me.
WHITESHADOW: Well done, do you want a gold star? I was just asking if you wanted people to know you'd changed your name. Obviously not
COSTLY RISE MARIO: i'm just saying that it wouldn't make sense for you to tell people to take me off ignore, because everyone already has you on ignore, so they wouldn't be able to read it.
WHITESHADOW: Slow down there Sherlock. I'm sure that the person i saw said they had you on ignore (yes i cant remember who, i think it was someone like PeachesButterScotch?), doesn't have me on ignore. Hence the somewhat kind offer to post a thread.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: Oh okay, my dear Watson. true, you did offer to make a thread, but you also offered me a gold star, which I took to be like the black star in Mario Party 1. sorry to compare you to bowser, but you are sometimes.
WHITESHADOW: Ok can we stop arguing now? I don't have anything against you apart from you just jumped down my throat saying everyones got me on ignore when i was offering to tell people to take you off ignore. So can we put aside our differences and move on?
COSTLY RISE MARIO: if you want.
WHITESHADOW: well yes i would rather.
COSTLY RISE MARIO: would you rather... make amends with me or be an extra on "Lost"
WHITESHADOW: make amends with you. Being an extra on Lost would make it lose its magic for me.
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